Back at it!

Yes, I'm still alive! I haven't updated about my weight loss journey for over three years, so it's way past time. I've been reading through my blog posts lately and all that struggle is once again fresh in my mind, but it's so helpful to remind myself of where I have been and what I have overcome.

So, how am I doing now? As many out there in the WLS (weight loss surgery) crowd know, once we pass the honeymoon period, it becomes a daily struggle to avoid that beast of all beasts, the dreaded 

REGAIN

I admit right now that I have regained. I have regained more than I ever should have let myself regain. I started snacking at work. I stopped putting protein first in my diet. I didn't go to the gym much. I tricked myself into thinking I was still doing just fine. I didn't have a scale at home, so I would either weigh in at the gym or at the doctor's office, neither of which I was going to very much. I had a check-up in July to refill my thyroid medication, When I stepped on the scale, the number 297 felt like a slap in the face. I had been so close to my goal weight when I got pregnant, but I never got back into weight loss mode after I had my baby and now, almost three years later, I was up almost 100 pounds. I felt so ashamed. 

Then my doctor ordered a round of blood work. I had been feeling pretty tired lately, which we quickly discovered was because I was anemic and had practically no iron stores. I was also low in vitamins D and B-12. I needed to start taking a bunch of supplements (iron and Vitamin C 3x a day, Vits D and B-12 once a day but not at the same time, regular multi-vitamin, calcium, plus my thyroid medication and folic acid). I installed a reminder app on my phone to help me remember to take them all throughout the day. I knew that this would help my health on a metabolic level, but I still needed to do something about my weight. 

I credit my husband with the next part. He mentioned wanting to be better about his eating habits, and I told him about My Fitness Pal, an app I had started using right before I got pregnant 3+ years ago. You put in your current weight and activity level, then select how much weight you want to gain or lose and the rate (up to 2 pounds a week either way), and it will adjust your daily calorie goal for you. He started using the app and said he didn't realize how much he had been eating until he started paying attention to calories. 

Within a few days, I reactivated the app on my phone and starting tracking everything. I quickly realized how much my snacking was out of control. I wasn't eating a lot at once, but enough throughout the day that I rarely really felt hungry. I was also drinking with meals, which is a no-no for me with my small stomach because it helps the food slide straight into the small intestine and you don't feel full. I stopped snacking and limited liquids with meals. I started going to the gym again, at least 2-3 times a week. The weight started coming off again. Whew.

Now, three months later, I'm happy to report that I have lost about 30 pounds since that wake-up call at my doctor's office. I'm still around 80 pounds away from my all-time goal, but I'm on the downward slope again and I am NOT going to turn around. I feel better and I have more energy. I'm more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. I successfully weathered the Halloween season with minimal candy intake, and now that we're headed towards Thanksgiving and Christmas, I know I can do this--not only will I not gain, I will lose weight this holiday season. I am recommitted to being healthy. Weight loss surgery was a tool, and I am using it today to build a better me.

Too Fat for Pictures?

I know, I know, it's been ages since I last posted...can you believe life gets busy with two children, a full-time job, a second part-time job, and a commuting husband? It's true! But I promise an update soon. I just came across this blog post and I had to share. Go ahead, go read it. I'll wait.

Finished reading? This really affected me. I wish I had read something like this three years ago, when I was near my heaviest. I hated having pictures taken of me back then and always felt so embarrassed--even once I lost the weight, I would look back and all I would see was the chubby cheeks, the double chin, the round belly. I still don't love pictures of me from back then.

But I need to remind myself that I am my own worst critic. I may hate those pictures of myself, but just like the author of that blog post said, my husband looks at those pictures and sees his beautiful wife. My son looks at them and sees the mommy that he loves and adores. My parents see their daughter who has worked so hard and accomplished so much (at least, that's what they tell me). My friends see someone with whom they have created many fond memories. And they all loved that person--all 400+ pounds of her. The fact that I lost weight doesn't take away from who I used to be. I'm still me.

And I'm beautiful, no matter what.

Almost There!

The pictures below were taken five years apart at the exact same point in pregnancy:

The picture on the left is of me at 37 weeks in 2007. I weighed over 350 pounds at that point (no idea how much I actually weighed because the scale at my OB's office topped out at 350 pounds and I passed that at the 12-week mark of that particular pregnancy...I'm guessing I was at least 370-380 lbs by the end, though). My face was extremely swollen from pre-eclampsia and I was induced one week after this picture was taken. I was quite miserable.

The picture on the right is of me at 37 weeks in 2012. I think my latest weight was around 245 or so, meaning I've gained about 35-40 pounds this pregnancy. I had a jump in weight gain at my appointment last week, but my doctor says it's pretty much all fluid buildup, judging from the state of my swollen lower legs and feet. Nothing else is swollen, though (my wedding rings are STILL loose!), and still absolutely no sign of pre-e. Isn't that amazing? I'm apparently already dilated 2.5cm as of last Friday and my doctor doubts I will last until my due date. I received this news with mixed feelings...I mean, as eager as I am for the birth, there's still so much to do to get ready!

But honestly, this whole pregnancy has just FLOWN by. I can't believe I'm only three weeks away (or less!) from meeting this little bugger that loves to kick my ribs and seems to prefer the right side of my belly to the left. It almost feels like I'm going through pregnancy for the first time...maybe it's because I feel just so much more in tune with my body now and I can actually see the baby's movements from the outside. Plus, my husband can feel them more easily, too.

Somehow I've been able to keep up with working my normal FT job, spend time with my 4-year-old, do transcription from home in the evenings, and still have the energy to clean the kitchen (once in a while). I almost feel bad for the myself-from-five-years-ago because she had no clue how much easier pregnancy could be if only she'd been healthier. THIS is why I did what I did to lose weight, and that is reinforced to me as each day passes.

Oh, and knowing I can start trying to lose weight in a month or so is kind of exciting, too :) Hopefully breastfeeding will help the weight just fall off. I WILL be under 200 pounds someday soon!

6 weeks left...eep!

I guess I haven't had much to say lately about how I'm doing...but hey, I'm still here, alive and kicking--and so is baby! I hit 34 weeks yesterday, meaning I'm due in just over a month. Holy cows. Met with my doctor this morning, and it looks like baby is already head down, heartbeat is great, and he's measuring right on track. As for me, my blood pressure is absolutely perfect (which is AWESOME), weight gain is also right on track (I've gained just over 30 pounds total), and apart from constant back pain and tiredness because I just don't sleep well, I feel actually quite good.

I had an almost surreal experience last night, though: I actually was yearning to go out and exercise. I mean really, truly exercise, the kind I just can't do while 7.5 months pregnant. How weird is that? But that's a promising feeling! I know I can't be absolutely certain that I'll bounce back after delivery and go right back to where I was before I got pregnant (you know, weight steadily declining, prepping for a race, etc), but I'm hopeful that the weight will come off quickly (here's hoping breastfeeding will help with that). I know it will be getting colder when the baby is born, but I plan to take him out on walks around the neighborhood while I'm on maternity leave. Should be great.

I've developed quite a sweet tooth throughout this pregnancy, though, and that's not a good thing. I never was a huge sweets eater--it used to be all about the carbs, the bread, the pasta, the potatoes. Since I have a hard time handling big amounts of those types of things now, I find myself eating more and more sugar. I regret that I've discovered I have absolutely no symptoms of dumping. I'm going to have to really reign that in once baby is born and I'm back to focusing on getting my body back in shape.

Anyway, that's where I am. I should have a brand-new baby boy in about six weeks here, and I'm so glad that I will be a much healthier mama for both him and his big brother. I'm going to actually be able to run and play with them. That's a good feeling.

28 weeks

So, I'm officially in my third trimester. I hit 28 weeks yesterday--crazy, huh? I met with the doctor this afternoon and things are going great! Baby is measuring right on schedule, heartbeat holding steady at 150. My blood pressure has been normal the whole pregnancy--124/68. What a blessing! Somehow my iron levels haven't dipped too low despite me not remembering to take the iron supplements as often as I should (I probably remember to take them about 4-5 days a week). I passed the glucose test, so no gestational diabetes. 

The only thing that I didn't like hearing was the weight gain--I gained 9 POUNDS in the last four weeks. Overall that puts me at a weight gain of 24 pounds since my first appointment, which my doctor is totally fine with, so she spent a good portion of the appointment reassuring me it's good weight gain. I'm glad she understands the difficulty I have with accepting the idea of weight gain as a GOOD thing. I really appreciate her as a doctor. She's been so reassuring and supportive and always mentions how much healthier I am with this pregnancy. I know it's a good thing to gain weight at this point--it'll all be worth it for my little guy. I just hope it comes off quickly once he's born...gotta get back to exercising and losing those last 20-30 pounds!

Pictures below...yup, that's no longer excess skin. That's definitely a baby belly :)

So Blessed

I am now *technically* half-way through my pregnancy--I hit the 20-week mark two days ago. I say technically because I didn't even find out I was pregnant until 6 weeks into it, so it sure doesn't feel like half-way. But anyway, that's how far along I am.

I started this week with a much-anticipated ultrasound on Monday. Our little one was breech (which is fine since it's still so small and will continue to keep moving around and doing flips and whatnot for the time being) and facing downwards. It was wiggling a lot, but luckily the tech was able to measure everything that was needed. The one downside to the ultrasound? Baby was too modest so we couldn't find out the gender! It just refused to show that angle. We were a little bummed to not have found out, but my main request of this ultrasound was that baby is healthy, and as far as we knew when we left, it was.

I then got to follow up with  my actual OB yesterday and confirm that yes, baby is measuring great--just one day behind in terms of my dates (I was 19w5d the day of the ultrasound and baby was measuring 19w4d). It weighed about 12 ounces. All the parts and pieces looked good: spine, heart, brain, face, legs, etc. My doctor was disappointed as well that we didn't find out what we're having.

As far as me personally, I am happy to report that I have gained a total of 10 pounds since my first pre-natal appointment. That is exactly right on track. I was surprised, because I honestly feel like I am eating constantly and my appetite is never sated. I had also not been exercising because I am just so tired lately. Instead of going to the gym on my lunch break, I've taken to lying outside on the grass and reading a book--it's one of the few times I get any downtime. But anyway, while I was kind of freaking out that I'll find I've gained 30 pounds or something it's only 10. And I'm okay with that. If I only gain a pound a week from here on out (which is the recommendation), that puts me at a total weight gain of 30 pounds, which is right in the middle of the recommended 25-35 pound weight gain for pregnancy. I can do that, right?

Oh, and my blood pressure was normal. No sign at all of pre-eclampsia. Haven't really noticed any swelling, either, and my urine was normal (thought you'd want to know that part). Wa-hoo!

Also, since my doctor is awesome, she said that we should do another ultrasound to check for growth of the baby, due to my being a somewhat high-risk pregnancy because of my limited nutrition and food intake. And of course, she said, while they're at it, we should have the technician check for gender and hopefully be able to tell us this time around. That'll be in another 3.5 weeks. I'm hoping that goes well.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good. I can't believe how well things seem to be going with this pregnancy. All of my doubts and fears about getting pregnant so quickly after surgery and wondering how we would survive if I can't keep working because of complications--all those have been pretty much completely dissipated at this point. I mean, there's always the chance that something else will happen, but so far, we're okay. I am so blessed.

Moving along...

I have such supportive friends! I posted last time in a moment of weakness and, yes, almost terror of what is ahead of me, and I received such kind words of love and encouragement. You all rock.

I'm not wearing exclusively maternity clothes yet, but very few of my pants still fit--and if they do fit, by the end of the day my poor belly just hurts. Luckily, my awesome sister K loaned me some of her maternity pants, and so far, they're great! I went shopping the other day with my sister B, and I got a couple of maternity shirts at Kohls. They didn't have as great a selection of maternity clothes as I was hoping, but that's okay. I'll make do.

I haven't posted pictures of myself in a while, and I really should keep track of what I look like these days. So, here is a picture of me this afternoon! Yes, that shirt looks huge, but it's one of the maternity ones I got at Kohls and I wanted to make sure there was plenty of room for baby to grow.

Gotta do the side view. Disclaimer: I'm honestly not sticking my stomach out, but it's sad to say that that bulge really isn't quite where the baby is, as it's still below my belly button. That's my extra skin. It sticks out more these days, though, and I wonder sometimes if it does that because everything below it has moved up to make room for baby, haha!

I think I have such a big smile on my face because it's Friday and another work week is behind me :P

How am I feeling? Good...but exhausted. I don't sleep well these days, and I have little to no energy to get up and exercise or anything like that. It's rough. I'm on iron supplements now, so hopefully that will help. Weight gain has been minimal, luckily--about 6-7 pounds, last time I checked, and I'm trying to keep my suddenly voracious appetite in check. I don't always make the best choices, but at least I keep the amounts small because, well, I have to. Next doctor check-up is in two weeks, and I have an ultrasound to check up on baby's growth and progress on the 18th. Fingers crossed that all is well!