Three weeks left...

Only three weeks until my surgery date! Time is going by so quickly...it seems to go by even faster these days, what with my son's birthday being last week and Christmas and New Year's in the next two weeks. I start my liquid diet one week from today. That's going to be hard, I just know it. I'll be honest that I'm not looking forward to it. I think that's understandable, but at least it's getting me one step closer. And plus, any weight I lose on my own before the surgery makes the risk of complications that much lower :)

Thanks again for all your comments! They mean so much to me and I really do appreciate hearing your thoughts and support. Please keep 'em coming, especially as the time gets closer! It's starting to hit me that this is major surgery here, and I need to think about the actual procedure and hospital aftermath, not just the whole eating less and losing weight that should happen in the weeks and months afterwards. I know someone who just had the surgery last week, and she's having a rough time with recovery, so I'm feeling a bit apprehensive. I just need to trust that I've had good feelings about it so far, and it's still a chance for me to get my life back.

So excited!

First of all, thank you to those of you who have started reading this blog! I really want to share this with other people for a few reasons, specifically so that I am accountable to people, and also to give motivation to anyone else out there in my same situation. And thank you for the comments! I love them :)

I had an education class today in preparation for the surgery, and for some reason, I left the class just SO VERY excited for this journey. I mean, sure, this is MAJOR surgery here, and it's not something to be taken lightly. They will completely re-route my GI tract, they may have to cut me open (although they'll do all they can to do it laparoscopically), and I'll likely be in quite some pain for a few weeks afterwards, but guess what? I don't care. It is worth it for my health.

I know this surgery will be it for me. I know it is not a cure, and I know I will still need to watch what I eat, exercise, and be sure to take my supplements for the rest of my life. But this is what is going to help me get to where I need to be. This surgery is going to help me be able to have another baby, I can just feel it. And that right there is my main motivation. Can you see me now, future son or daughter of mine in heaven? I know you want to come to our family, and Mommy is getting ready for you. Just wait another couple of years and soon we'll welcome you to earth. I can't wait.

Five and a half weeks left!

I just met with my surgeon today, my last time seeing him before the actual surgery. Here we go! I got a big booklet to read through to prepare myself and I'm going to attend an educational class taught by the program director on Wednesday. I've also been asked to try and lose as much weight as I can before January 11th, because any weight I lose will make the surgery that much easier.

I don't think anybody is actually reading this blog yet, but once people do, thank you for your support! I'm grateful to those I love for all of their encouragement at this time in my life. These next few months and years will be life-changing, and I'm excited to share them with you all!

It's scheduled!!!

I got word yesterday that my insurance has approved the surgery, so we're a go--January 11th is the date! That means I only have about six more weeks until my life will drastically change for the better. I'm excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and a whole bunch of other emotions I'm not even sure how to put into words. But hey, here we go!

Today is Thanksgiving, and it was kind of odd to think about how this is the last "normal" Thanksgiving I'll ever have. I mean, sure, someday I'll be able to eat most everything again, but not even close to the quantities that I do now. Is that good or bad? I think it's probably good. The American concept of stuffing yourself until you almost burst isn't the best idea. Then again, I think I did pretty well today as far as not stuffing myself. Sure, I still ate a lot, but I kept it in check and never really felt that "Ooooh, boy" feeling. I guess that's good!

Anyway. I'm excited to prepare for the surgery now--all that's left is one more pre-op appointment with the surgeon, an educational class, and a 2-week all-liquid diet right before the surgery. Here we go!

Progress

The last 10 days have been pretty busy! There's not a whole lot of progress going on yet, so I guess I didn't feel like I needed to keep things updated. There'll be a whole lot more to post about as the actual surgery date approaches, I hope. 


I did meet with the surgeon that Thursday and he said he thinks I'll be a great candidate for the surgery, so here we go. I also saw my regular doctor last Friday, where I found out a lost a pound since my appointment four weeks earlier (and that was without even trying! Woot woot!). They've sent a letter documenting my previous medical care to the surgeon, so now I'm just waiting for the other medical appointments to happen. I see the exercise therapist this afternoon and the dietitian tomorrow, and as soon as I turn in all the self evaluations I had to do for the psychologist, I can make that appointment.


So how am I feeling about it all now? Honestly, I'm just so ready for this to happen. I'm eager to get on the road to feeling better about myself. I'm ready to feel relatively healthy. It's going to be hard to wait until January or whenever I can get a surgery date. In the meantime, I've just got to eat healthier and lose what I can on my own. I can do this!

I'm Ready

Due to a generous financial donation, I now have the possibility to seek some help for this weight problem that has plagued me for nearly 28 years (23 or so, if you count the first 5-6 years of my life when I was pretty normal). It's something I've thought about for the past 10+ years, but I never thought I would really need it. Now that I think about it, I see it as a catalyst, a gateway to helping me overcome this addiction I have to food and all that goes with it. What is this option? It's simple:

Bariatric Surgery

Tomorrow afternoon, I will meet with a surgeon, who will discuss with me the possibilities of gastric bypass surgery. There are still plenty of hoops to jump through, and I'm not even sure that my insurance will cover it--or that the surgeon will even think I'm a good candidate for this surgery (although if he doesn't, I'm not sure who is!). I'll still need to get a psychological evaluation, meet with a dietitian, and see an exercise specialist. It will completely change forever the way I think and feel about food. I'll have to say goodbye to some of my favorite restaurants, like Tucanos. No more soda, either. And I'll have to cut back extremely on my carb intake, which is my one weakness (I just love bread!). So why do it?

Because I owe it to myself and to my family to get healthier. There's no way I can have another child until I tackle this problem of mine. I will do all I can to avoid my children living with the trauma of having an obese parent. I want to believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful and sexy--I want to feel that way! I want to overcome this. I want to look back and say, "I did it." And I'm ready to conquer it. It's a long road ahead of me, but I say bring it on.

My History Continued - Pregnancy to Present

It was while I was pregnant with my son, Joshua, that my weight really started to pile back on and I felt powerless to stop it. I remember the mortification of stepping on the scale at my OB's office, only to find out that their scale only went to 350lbs. I was more than that. Granted, I was pregnant, but still. It was severely embarrassing and I'm sure was one of the factors that led to me developing pre-eclampsia over the course of that pregnancy and ultimately my need to be induced. But then again, I would justify my increasing weight with the fact that I was pregnant and my growing child needed the nutrition. I never actually knew how much I gained during my pregnancy because the scale just didn't go high enough.

I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6-week post-natal checkup. That felt great, and I resolved to eat better and lose even more weight as time went on. Unfortunately, that resolution was short-lived--I was nursing a growing baby, who always seemed to require more milk than I produced (and which somehow I took to mean I needed more food to make more milk, so I ate more), and I was unhappy at work. I told myself I had no time for exercise, what with working a full-time job, caring for an infant who rarely slept more than 2-3 hours at a time, supporting a husband who was having a difficult time with school and working a night job from 12-4am, and my eventually taking on a work-at-home job in the evenings. I took all the stress on myself and stopped caring if I ate healthy or not--after all, I didn't have any of the health problems that other obese people did, right? I had good blood pressure, I wasn't diabetic, I could still walk a mile or so.

But time went on, and I got bigger. And bigger. A year ago, I decided it was time for a complete physical. Imagine my shock when I got on the scale and realized I had grown to over 400 pounds. I cried when the nurse left the room after taking my blood pressure. And this time, there was no mistaking it--not only was I morbidly obese, but I now had some of the symptoms caused by such a lifestyle: high blood pressure, which would need to be controlled by medication, joint pain, and even some indications of pre-diabetes. I was only 27 years old! It was almost too much to bear, and instead of being the incentive it should have been, I found myself falling deeper into depression.

And now, here I am, all 430+ pounds of me. Sometimes I wonder how I let this happen. I tell myself I've just been through so much stress and hardship, what with our money problems and having to work to support a family, and I just have so much on my plate that I don't know what to do. My clothes don't fit anymore. I don't have shoes that feel comfortable on my swollen feet--the only things that work are sandals and flip-flops, which is really bad since we had snow on the ground this morning. And most of all, I just don't have the energy to keep up with my very active, very hyper almost-three-year-old. It's so very hard, and I almost feel trapped.