I've tried to be positive on this blog, because this really is a positive thing that I'm doing and I don't want to talk the procedure down--I honestly think it will save my life in the long run. Seriously, though, I need to just vent a little bit right now.
First of all, I am SO tired of the limited food I can eat. And the thing is, I think it's becoming psychological--I almost feel nauseated at the thought of having yet another slice of deli meat, or another bowl of cottage cheese, or another plate of refried beans with cheese or sour cream. So even though the doctor told me to increase my intake and add some more snacks, I'm having trouble doing that because I just can't stomach those foods anymore.
I'll admit it: I miss regular food. I miss pasta. I miss bread, just a little peanut butter sandwich or something. I miss mashed potatoes. I miss salad. It's hard to go without foods I've had all my life! I think it's almost worse for me because, had I not had the setback of another surgery, I would be to a point where I could have a lot more foods by now (not breads, but at least I could probably have some grilled chicken and maybe some peeled cucumber or something like that). But no, I'm technically only on the 2-week-post-op food list, meaning I'm relegated to not many options. It's getting old fast.
I'm tired of not feeling like myself. I've always been the strong one, the one who did so much, who worked so hard, who would go, go, go until people told me I needed to rest. I'm not used to being weak, to having people take care of me, to the looks of concern that my husband gives me whenever I whimper for whatever pain I just felt. It's been over six weeks since I've felt like a normal person, and I miss that.
I've had a couple episodes of tunnel vision in recent days--once at Walmart with my mom on Thursday and once last night at the grocery store. I didn't actually pass out, but I definitely had to hunch over the cart and breathe deeply for awhile. I even broke out in a cold sweat at Walmart and had to sit down. I have a feeling that it's my blood pressure. I've been on blood pressure medication for a little over a year, and now that I'm back to a weight where I didn't have high BP in the past, I'm wondering if the problem is gone, or at least diminished, and the medication is unnecessary. I mean, if my BP is already down to a normal range on its own and I'm taking medication to lower it even more, that could be causing my problems with dizziness or tunnel vision or what-have-you. I plan to call the doctor in the morning.
Anyway, I just wanted to record that no, it's not all sun-and-roses these days. Sure, the weight loss is good, but I'm wondering if it's worth it right now. It will be eventually, some part of me knows, but the conscious, active part of me just wants to be normal. And soon.
Thanks for listening to me whine :)
6 comments:
Oh I can totally understand those feelings. But I loved NieNie's post the other month when she say's just hold on. At this point that's all you can do, just hold on. Love you girl!
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2010/12/note-to-those-of-you-who-hurt-hold-on.html
Hang on, seester! Keep smiling. It will be worth it! Think positively and you will be so much happier through all of these struggles. =) Seriously though, being down and depressed, while completely understandable, makes trials so much harder to deal with. If you force yourself to be happier about it, it doesn't seem nearly as bad.
We talked about this talk by Elder Holland in my Relief Society lesson today. I think it's applicable here. Enjoy!
Hey Carina! I just found your blog via facebook. I'm so impressed with how you're dealing with the setbacks and frustrations you've been having. What you're doing is hard and you're so brave to go through it with as much optimism and hope as you have been. So I just thought I would let you know that I think you're doing great, and I hope things get better! We miss you at work and hope to see you soon.
-Marissa
Discouragement it normal, and nobody will judge you for having a low moment. Just remember that so many people are behind you and love you! If you're feeling discouraged, just look into the face of your beautiful little boy and remember and this decision will allow you to see so much more of his life. Look at your husband and remember that you get more years with him because of this surgery. "Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment." Love you girl!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. You deserve some relief from all you've had to go through. Your diet has been restricted for so long, I know it's old and even repulsive. Hang in there! It will get better. Maybe try mixing up what you are eating? Be creative and make a little wrap with the deli meat. Blend a little sour cream and cottage cheese together with a tiny bit of dry ranch mix to flavor, and spread on the meat. Maybe add some tiny bits of veggies just for a hint of flavor. Then roll it up Or make one with the refried beans. Use some spices to mix it up. Add a tiny bit of grated cheese. Make a little pizza using the deli meat as the bread......it sure changes the flavor up to heat it up, and add a little spice. Italian seasoning smells and tastes sooo good on the hot deli meat. Try freezing your milk into ice cubes. Blend a couple up with a sprinkle of cocoa and artificial sweetner for a slightly sweet snack. YOU CAN DO IT!! Look at the cool sweet sushi you made for Cody on Valentines! Look for other ideas on the Internet?? Good luck! I love you. Can't wait to see you this summer!!!
Vent away - this is YOUR blog and we're here to support you! This all sounds super tough, Carina. I would be crying at your current diet intake. Do you have anything that you can do that you enjoy? Like a certain tv show that makes your laugh or a book that you can really get away in? I would try to find something that you really like and make sure you can get a little escape there. I love you. (((HUGS)))
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