I love me :)

I don't think I've ever let this long go by without updating before...maybe it's because not a whole lot has happened? No doctor appointments, no huge milestones reached, no new clothes to show off, no medical problems to report on....I guess that last one is a good thing. But I did have a few things on my mind that I wanted to mention.

I worked out on my lunch break today--it had been a couple weeks. And that scale continues to go down, to my delight. 222 today. I am SO CLOSE to having lost half my body weight. I still can't believe it.

I've found myself able to eat more and more kinds of foods lately. I had Thanksgiving dinner! Really and truly! I mean, I used a tiny little plate, but I had turkey, gravy, a little bit of mashed potatoes, stuffing, yams, cranberry sauce...it was tasty. I've also recently gone to a couple of holiday luncheons and was able to have small amounts of almost everything at the buffet table. Turkey, chicken, ham, veggies, even a little bread (though the last time I had part of a roll, it really hurt for awhile afterwards...that probably cured my bread craving for a while!). Even a little chicken pot pie yesterday, which was a wonderful comfort food--I just made sure not to eat much of the crust on top. I love that I don't have to be so worried about handling food anymore. I mean, I live in the real world. I need to be able to eat different types of food and know when to stop.

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm bragging when I post comments that people have made to me. I record them for my own benefit, for when days are hard and when I look in the mirror and have trouble seeing past the saggy skin and the bulges that will never actually go away, no matter how much weight I lose. So please indulge me.

I had a church function last night at which I sang a duet with my sister. Afterwards, two different women stopped me. One, who hadn't been to church in a while, said she had to ask the other people at her table who I was, as she really didn't recognize me (granted, this lady and I aren't that close, but still). The other one is this cute older lady who said, in her beautiful South African accent, "Can I ahsk you a puhsonal question? Wheh is the rest of you?" Hah! I told her it had disappeared and I bid it good riddance.

At church last Sunday, an older gentleman walked by and jokingly asked my husband if his wife knew he was going around holding hands with this other "skinny lady." That was kind of an awkward compliment, but still kinda funny.

I've had a few people say that I've inspired them to exercise and get healthy. One of my co-workers told me I need new clothes (again--this was when I was wearing pants that I just got two months ago), because what I was wearing was too big. Another friend said that I just seem so much happier and confident than when she met me a year or so ago.

That last one kind of threw me, to be honest. I had to stop and think about how I feel about myself now versus how I felt before my weight loss. Did I love myself? How did I hold myself? How did I come across to those around me? And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not sure I did love myself. Or maybe I did, but I just couldn't project that to those around me. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel like someone worth being listened to, nor that I had much value to contribute.

I feel so bad saying that, because I am lucky enough to have a husband that isn't blinded by those that make you think you aren't beautiful if you're even a bit overweight. He has never made me feel unattractive or like I'm not worth being paid attention to. I made myself feel that way. And yes, now that I actually FEEL beautiful, I know that's coming across to my co-workers, my fellow church members, my friends, and my family. It's definitely changed how I interact with others.

I just wish I had worked this out in my mind beforehand. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that it doesn't matter how the world looks at me. People of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. I sometimes want to go back a year or two, to see if that would have changed things at my job or in my social circles, to have been the confident person back then that I am now. But life is a learning experience, and we can't go back and change things in the past. That is why I write my feelings down here, so I can come back and see the changes I've made, both physical and mental.

I love myself. And I hope you love yourself, too, because you are beautiful (or handsome!) just the way you are. If you want to change your outside appearance, do it. Just do it for yourself, because you deserve to be all that you want to be. You can do it. We can do it.